


(bitter)sweet dreams

by cantaloupe



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, but there is one sex in here, eugeo tops, the sex is very vanilla it doesn't need to be tagged, the violence and rape tags are only there because of raios and humbert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 14:24:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17899802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantaloupe/pseuds/cantaloupe
Summary: During his time at the Sword Mastery Academy, Eugeo dreams.





	(bitter)sweet dreams

**Author's Note:**

> a few things:
> 
> i've made homosexuality against the taboo index because children are expected to carry on the family's sacred task. if you're gay you don't have kids so
> 
> i've also made up a fictional holiday
> 
> and i've only read the light novel up to the point i've needed for this fic. i also downloaded some janky translations so the parts that correspond with the light novel might have different wording than in the official translation

 

On days of rest, they head to the Sixth District for honey pies.  
  
The Jumping Deer Inn is located on Third Eastern Street. Kirito heads in first—he's always in front, always in the lead—and the shopkeep turns to look at him with a smile. They catch up about the little things: how's school going, how her family's been doing, this and that. The shopkeep turns to Eugeo and asks if Kirito's been behaving.   
  
"Barely," Eugeo snorts, "but that's to be expected, isn't it?"   
  
Kirito winks, “You know it.”

They all laugh, and Kirito pays for three pies with a few bronze. After thanking the shopkeep, they exit the bakery. Kirito unrolls the brown paper bag in his arms and grabs a pie. He bites in and warm honey bursts through flaky crust, sticking to his lips, dripping onto his chin.

Eugeo sighs, “You’re a mess, Kirito.” His eyes are stuck to the gloss on his lips, “...let me help?”

“Ah? Okay, Eugeo.” Kirito moves the pie out of the way, grinning.

Eugeo’s reaches over and thumbs away the residue on Kirito’s chin, his heart pounding. He withdraws his hand, looks down at it, then licks the syrup off his finger, heat warming his face.

Kirito offers the bag to him, “Here, you can have yours too, if you want.”

Eugeo looks back up at him. He thinks that Kirito looks really cute. He thinks that he shouldn’t be thinking about how Kirito looks really cute. “No, I’m...saving it for later.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” Kirito turns forward, taking another bite of his pie. He chews, swallows. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and then sucks it.

“Um…” Eugeo is staring. He can’t stop staring. He can hear his heart beat in his ears. “...Kirito?”

“Yeah?” Kirito turns to Eugeo. He raises an eyebrow, “Hey, are you okay? You’re kind of red.”

They stop walking.

“Kirito, I…” Eugeo would look down if he could stop looking at Kirito, “...um…” His face burns. He sweats.

“Eugeo?” Kirito looks at him, too.

_It’s against the Taboo Index, but…_

_...but!_

Eugeo steps forward. He puts his hands on Kirito’s shoulders, closing the distance between them with a

he sits upright in his bed, cold sweat slick against his forehead.

 

* * *

 

 

Eugeo remembers how it first started.

_He turns his face into his pillow, hands sliding up his arms, resting at his shoulders._  

“I must’ve woken up in this forest to meet you too—”

_Kirito was so warm. His hand on Eugeo’s back wandered up and down. Although Eugeo felt the pommel of the Blue Rose Sword press against him, he felt the touch of Kirito’s fingers, too._

_The last time he’s let someone hold him like that was six years ago. He feels like it’s right to say that it was Kirito then, too, but that isn’t possible. He didn’t know Kirito until a week ago._

_It feels wrong to say that he hasn’t known him for forever, though. Eugeo doesn’t know why._

_He sighs, flexing his fingers, curling into himself. What’s wrong with him? Does he want to be held again? Eugeo frowns._

_Is it selfish of him? Is it against the Taboo Index to want intimacy before marriage? It’s forbidden to kiss someone on the lips before marriage, so surely that isn’t too far from wanting a hug, or even just holding hands..._

_And, even if it is, he and Kirito can’t get married anyway. Same-sex relationships are Taboo, too. Not like that he necessarily wants to marry Kirito, anyway. They’ve only known each other for so long._

_But if they could get married, and if they did get married, then maybe Eugeo could..?_

_Eugeo groans into his pillow. “No...” He can’t be thinking about breaking Taboo like that. It’s Taboo to even consider breaking Taboo._

_...he had so much courage earlier. He felt like he was finally taking a step in the right direction. He knew what he had to do, regardless of the Index had to say._

_Now he doesn’t know what he wants anymore._

_He’s tired of thinking. Sleep—he should sleep. It’s late anyway, and he needs to get up tomorrow for another day and another chance at felling the Gigas Cedar, not that he actually expects it to happen within his lifetime._

_Eugeo closes his eyes._

_...another hand intertwines with his, palm against palm, fingers between fingers, everything fitting. Strange, he doesn’t share a bed with someone else. Eugeo opens his eyes._

_Kirito._

_“W-what are you doing here, Kirito? You should be at the church..!” Kirito is lying beside him on the bed, head cradled by the pillow, facing Eugeo._

_“Shh,” Kirito smiles, “I’ll be back before the morning. Sister Azariya won’t notice I’m gone.” His eyes are warm with affection, and his smile is a natural result of that affection settling on his lips. He squeezes Eugeo’s hand. Eugeo can’t breathe._

_“But...but_ why _are you here? There’s no reason—we’re going to see each other tomorrow anyway? And how…” Eugeo’s voice rises higher between breaths. Isn’t this Taboo? They’re going to get in trouble. Eugeo remembers what he learned in school. Boys can’t like boys, girls can’t like girls. Boys can’t like other boys, can’t kiss other boys, certainly can’t come into another boy’s bed in the middle of the night, can’t hold hands like how Kirito’s holding Eugeo’s now._

_Kirito is going to be taken away by an Integrity Knight like Alice was on that day and Eugeo won’t be able to do anything to stop it. He’ll lose what’s important to him without a fight. He’ll watch as Kirito is tied up to a dragon, he’ll watch as they prepare for flight, he’ll watch as Kirito smiles and tells him—_

“Eugeo! _”_

_Eugeo chokes. He didn’t realize he was hyperventilating._

_“Eugeo,” Kirito reaches out and slides his hand into blond curls, holding the back of Eugeo’s head. He shifts forward and presses their foreheads together. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Something isn’t right._

_Eugeo exhales and his heart squeezes like it’s trying to strangle him from the inside. He closes his eyes and knows that the heat sitting under his eyelids is there because he’s about to cry._

_There’s no way that this isn’t a dream. Kirito wouldn’t do this._

_Kirito wouldn’t do this, because he doesn’t look at Eugeo the way that Eugeo knows he looks at Kirito._

_Even so._

_Even so, this is still nice, even if it hurts._

_Eugeo lets the Kirito in his dreams closer._

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been a year since his dreams started.

They occur once to twice a week. Their content varies—he’s had dreams that were nothing more than lying down in the grass together, to dreams that the Taboo Index would have no problem sending him to death over. Those are the ones that wake him in the night with hot skin and cold sweat.

Not all his dreams are _dreams_ , though. He has nightmares, too. Those are the ones where Kirito regains his memory and leaves, where Kirito breaks Taboo and Eugeo is unable to save him, where Kirito finds out how Eugeo feels and never wants to talk to him ever again.

_“I remember now. I’m a noble of the Eastabarieth Empire.”_

He’s happy for him, but…

_“There’s still some time before an Integrity Knight shows up. I’ll try to escape to the nearest town.”_

...he can, but…

_“Eugeo, how long have you felt like this?”_

...please, _please_ don’t leave.

He knows it’s selfish of him to want Kirito to stay by his side, but Eugeo had nothing before he came into his life. All he had his Sacred Task and a dragon bone axe. And everyday, he cut at a tree that would never be felled. Everyday, he ate the same stale bread and everyday, he thought of Alice, who he knew was out there somewhere, alive, but he had neither the means nor the courage to go and find her.

Without Kirito, Eugeo would still be the woodcutter of a single tree.

And that’s why Kirito can’t leave him. Because if he did, there wouldn’t be anything left behind.

In the year that’s passed, they’ve become valets.

 

* * *

 

 

The frost on the trees melts to make way for verdant green. The air thickens with pollen and birdsong. Students emerge from their training halls out into the warmth of Solus, who parts the clouds with her hands, opening up the sky and reintroducing blue to the daytime.

The twentieth day of the third month is close.

“Eugeo, we don’t have class on the twentieth?” Kirito asks over dinner.

Eugeo is about to say _“Don’t you remember?”_ but around this time last year, they were still Guards of Zakkaria. They had worked tirelessly for that recommendation, even on days of rest. By then, their bodies were heavy with fatigue and sick with exhaustion. When the twentieth rolled around, instead of going out and celebrating, Eugeo remembers that they stayed in bed all day, waking up only to eat.

Eugeo puts down his spoon, “No, since that day is the Festival of Blessings.”

Kirito pulls open a roll of bread. His eyebrows furrowed, he manages a smile, looking up at Eugeo. “...eheh…”

Eugeo sighs. “The Festival of Blessings is when we celebrate Stacia for giving humanity life. We put up lanterns, offer donations, and generally just try to enjoy ourselves. I think my favorite part about it is getting to eat cream puffs,” he smiles, “ah, and when you donate, you can write a letter addressed to Stacia containing your wishes.”

He’s written about Alice every year thus far. This will be the first time he’ll be able to say that he’s arrived in Centoria, with Kirito’s help.

“Is that so?” Kirito pauses, pushing around a string of peas with his fork. He stabs one and eats it, “Well, my beloved partner Eugeo, would you like to spend the Festival of Blessings with me?” He grins.

“I’m not sure who else you’d spend it with.” Eugeo snorts.

Kirito laughs, “Ouch. But, true.”

The days until the festival are characterized by an enthusiasm that swells as the holiday approaches, a wave that roars louder the closer it is to shore. Purple lanterns, lit by Sacred Power, illuminate the walkways of the Academy. The dorm halls smell of fresh produce, bought before the holiday, waiting in paper bags to be offered to Stacia. And although the nobles tend to avoid romance, behind closed doors, rumors mingle together with laughter.

In the hours before bed, lamplight glows, pens scratch paper. Kirito and Eugeo aren’t exempt—they work at their respective desks and compose their letters. Eugeo looks over once, out of curiosity. He can’t read most of Kirito’s writing. Though there’s Common, it isn’t used in a way he’s familiar with. It’s coupled with foreign runes.

“Kanji,” Kirito explains, signing his name, “you know some, too. And hey, aren’t these letters supposed be secret? What are you doing trying to read mine?”

“A-ah! I’m sorry!” Eugeo turns away, blush rising to his ears. That’s right, he shouldn’t have been trying to read Kirito’s in the first place!

Kirito gets up out of his chair and ruffles Eugeo’s hair, slicking it with black ink. “I hope you like your new hair color.” He grins.

_“Kirito..!”_

When the twentieth finally arrives, the campus is silent. Everyone’s left for the Sixth District.

Eugeo lets Kirito wake up late for once. It’s early afternoon when Kirito decides to sit up, sometime after the ten o'clock bell has sounded. Eugeo closes the book he’s been reading, cross-legged at his desk.

Eugeo clears his throat. “Good morning.”

Kirito rubs at his eyes, “Mornin’.”

Kirito gets cleaned up and dressed, Eugeo prepares for the day. He slips their letters into the paper bag containing the fruit he bought the other day—apples, pomegranates—and cradles the bag in his arms.

He drops a few more copper into his coin bag, knowing that Kirito will forget that his own is empty.

Kirito pats down his uniform and then straightens up. “I’m ready, Eugeo.” he says, smiling.

They leave together, exiting the trainee dorms. The weather still carries the vestiges of winter, as expected of Norlangarth, but otherwise it’s a fine day. They arrive at the school’s church and pull open its doors.

It smells of incense. It burns at the altar, purple sticks stuck into pots of sand, surrounded by offerings of fresh fruit in silver bowls. They walk up the aisle to the altar and Eugeo unrolls the bag in his arms, reaching in and taking out the produce, placing it on the tablecloth. He gives Kirito his letter and holds his own in his hands.

Eugeo claps his hands together, with the letter in between. He closes his eyes. “Dear Stacia, please receive this letter well.”

Kirito, after a pause, copies Eugeo. “D-dear Stacia, please receive this letter well.”

They deposit their letters in the wooden box before the altar. They leave after Eugeo trashes the bag, heading towards the Sixth District.

“Ah, Eugeo, this way is faster?” Kirito gestures with his thumb.

“That’s a bush.” Eugeo crosses his arms.

“Well, yeah, but if you just walk through it—” Kirito begins to step off the stone path.

“No. Come back here,” Eugeo grabs Kirito by the collar.

“If you would just consider—” Kirito stumbles back into line, pouting. 

“No.” Eugeo frowns, “We’d get our uniforms dirty.”

They walk down the hill, the commercial district rising to eye-level as they descend, the sound and smells of the festival reduced to a hum at this distance. They continue on, and the buildings stand taller than them, now, flanking them on either side.

The hour bell rings eleven times, its tones smothering the revelry. Once the last of it dissipates, the festival surges forth.

There’s so many people here. There are the nobles, grouped together as usual, laughing in that peculiar way that’s just shy of derisive. Residents of the eighth district and higher walk down the street as couples, as friends, as children playing between the legs of adults. They talk about the little things and the grand things, as well as all the topics of conversation between.  

It smells like meat roasting over coals, fresh off the spit and cushioned between a slice of thick bread, wrapped up in wax paper and handed over to open hands. When the grease has been licked off, the aroma of pastries attracts customers to the bakery, where puffs baked into tight “s” shapes are piped full with cream.

Eugeo and Kirito stand before the window display of the Jumping Deer. An array of cream puffs are nestled together in boxes decorated with bows and paper lace.

Kirito’s stomach rumbles. He presses his hand against his belly, pink coloring his face. “Haha, that’s right...haven’t had breakfast yet. So, shall we go in?”

Without waiting for an answer, Kirito opens the door and enters. Eugeo follows Kirito inside, sighing.

“Ah, it’s you both!” The shopkeep smiles from behind the counter, “Came here to buy cream puffs, or are we going with the same old?”

“I don’t see why we can’t have both.” Kirito puts a hand on his hip, grinning.

“Who do you think is going to pay for it?” Eugeo steps up to stand next to Kirito.

“Of course, I am. Here, let me see how much I have left…” Kirito opens up his coin pouch and feels the inside, “...huh?” He turns it upside down and shakes it, “Huh, that’s funny. I could’ve sworn that I had a few copper left, at least.” He laughs, palming the back of his neck. Then he looks over at Eugeo.

Eugeo takes out his coin pouch and shakes it, once, the money inside clinking. “I brought extra because I knew this would happen.”

“That’s my partner for you! Alright then, we’ll take two of this and two of that…” Kirito points at a plain cream puff and another that has jam, “...and two honey pies.” Kirito puts both his hands on his hips and smiles.

_“Why is he so proud about spending my money…_ ” Eugeo thinks, _“...well, he’s happy, so it’s fine_.”

“Alright, then!” The shopkeep puts away the puffs in a box, and the pies in a bag, “That’ll be twelve copper.”

Eugeo counts the coins out before paying and thanking her. Kirito expresses his gratitude in turn, and the two leave the shop with their purchases.

Out again in the streets, Kirito pops open the box and grabs a cream puff, biting in. Cream is squished out the sides and onto the corner of Kirito’s lips, where it stays until he wipes it off with his thumb and licks it.

This is reminding Eugeo of something.

_It’s against the Taboo Index, but…_

Oh. His dream from the other night.

Eugeo takes a puff for himself, “T-there’s a tradition about these, you know.”

Kirito looks over at him, cream still on his lips. “Mm?” He’s finished it already.

Eugeo blinks, then looks away, “Uh, well, so you can see how they’re made to look like Stacia’s symbol...so when you split it with someone, you’re saying that person is very important to you. It means you’re sharing your Life with that person. Usually it’s done with family—”

“Well if that’s the case, then,” Kirito reaches over and swipes the top of Eugeo’s puff, taking some cream with it, “looks like you’re sharing your Life with me.”

“Wait— _Kirito!”_ Eugeo’s face is so hot he’s lightheaded.

Kirito laughs, “Just think about it, Eugeo. We’ve spent the last year together fighting side-by-side, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that we weren’t already sharing our lives.”

“No, but—I mean you’re not wrong, however—!” Eugeo hugs the paper bag with the pies closer to him, “I wasn’t finished earlier! What you just did could be seen as—it’s—it’s a _romantic_ _gesture!”_

“Oh, I see. Well then, Eugeo, when do you want to get married? Do you think of yourself as a summer groom?” Kirito grins, his eyebrow cocking.

_“We can’t! That’s Taboo!_ ” If the festivities weren’t as loud as they were, Eugeo knows that his voice would earn him looks.

Kirito pats him on the back, right between the shoulder-blades. “I’m joking. It’s taken me a while, meaning a few last-minute study sessions, but I _do_ know what the Taboo Index says.”

To some extent, Eugeo wishes that Kirito weren’t joking. That’s why, it isn’t right for Kirito to say these types of things to him and then just laugh it off! Wait, in the first place, it isn’t right for Eugeo to even have these feelings about Kirito! Actually, it’s probably Eugeo’s own fault that he got his hopes up, so what is he doing blaming Kirito for making a joke!

“H-hey, Eugeo? Eugeo, are you okay? You’re, uh, crying.” Kirito moves his hand to Eugeo’s shoulder.

And now he’s crying.

“Eugeo, if you’re that upset about it, I can just…” Kirito returns the puff top back where it was, “...there we go. That’s better, yeah? So let’s not cry?”

“That’s not what I’m…” Eugeo wishes he didn’t feel this way about Kirito. What upsets him the most is that he’ll never have the opportunity to explain. “...Kirito…”

Kirito looks around. He then takes the puff from Eugeo and places it back in the box, which he closes. “Come here,” he takes Eugeo’s hand in his and leads him into a break between the buildings. Now out of Solus’ light, Kirito puts down his box, taking the bag from Eugeo’s arms to set that aside, too.

Kirito straightens up. He steps forward and brings his arm around to cradle the back of Eugeo’s head, guiding him into his shoulder.

Eugeo’s jaw clenches. His ears are burning. “I’m sorry.” It’s his fault for making such a huge deal out of it.

“Don’t apologize, Eugeo. You haven’t done anything.” Kirito pets his head.

Kirito is warm. “I just wish I could tell you—” Eugeo’s nails bury themselves in his palm. His right eye throbs.

“Eugeo. Eugeo, it’s okay.”

It’s okay?

“It’s okay.”

Eugeo exhales into Kirito’s shoulder, releases his fists, and leans into him. They stay like that until Eugeo’s breathing evens out, and at that moment he pulls away from Kirito, his lips thinned into a smile. “I’m alright now.”

Kirito grins, “Glad to have you back, Eugeo. Let’s get back to the festival?” He begins to gather their purchases, picking them up off the floor.

“Yeah.” Eugeo smiles back as they step back out into the light.

He can’t help but think that he’s taking advantage of Kirito.

They rejoin the festivities, mingling amongst the crowd and enjoying the rest of their food. As Kirito discards their trash, they happen across a play performed atop a wooden platform, on the right side of the street.

_“Oh no! It’s invaders from the Dark Territory!”_ announces a girl beside the platform, her volume enhanced by the Sacred Arts.

A man with a barreled chest and a body to match stomps onto the stage, costumed in rags, skin painted green, two fangs sticking out past his bottom lip. In his right hand is a wooden sword. He looks over the crowd, a gathering of children, and pulls back his upper lip into a grin with teeth. “I smell Lum brats..! I am Oroguchi the Conqueror, and I am going to eat you all!”

The audience shies away. The narrator gestures to the other side of the stage, _“Don’t worry, everyone, because an Integrity Knight is here! She will protect us!”_

An armored woman with brunette hair steps up to oppose the goblin. Her ponytail sweeps behind her as she brandishes her sword, “Stay away from these children! They are not your prey!”

Kirito leans over to Eugeo, “Hey, isn’t that Liena-senpai?”

Eugeo nods, “And the goblin looks like Gorgolosso-senpai.”

The goblin turns to the Integrity Knight. _“Haah?_ What do you know? I am the great Conqueror! What I want is what I will get!”

“I cannot allow that!” The Integrity Knight frowns, “I won’t let you hurt them!" 

“Then die!”’ The goblin lumbers forward, sword raised, and then swings down onto the knight, who blocks with the edge of her blade. She pushes him back, then disengages, going in for a stab.

The goblin parries her and cuts down again. She sidesteps and uses both hands to slice across, the tip of her sword skimming his stomach. He falls onto his knees, crouched over with his hands pressed against the injury, snarling up at her, “How dare you..!”

She swings her sword into his head, hits with a clunk, and he collapses to the ground. Sheathing her blade with a flourish, she turns to the audience and asks, “Are you all alright?”

The crowd applauds, of which includes Kirito and Eugeo. The knight steps down from the platform and children come up to her, patting her armor, pulling her hair. She crouches down, and greets them with a smile.

Eugeo approaches her, with Kirito behind. “Um, Sortiliena-senpai? That was a wonderful performance.”

She looks up, “Ah! Eugeo, Kirito.” Liena stands up with a child in her arms, “Enjoying yourselves? This would be your first Festival of Blessings in Centoria, correct?”

Gorgolosso turns his head to the side, still flat against the stage, “I hear our disciples are here? Eugeo, even if it’s a holiday, remember to take care of your muscles!”

Eugeo smiles, “Ahah...okay.”

Kirito comes up beside Eugeo, “I didn’t realize this was your hobby, Liena-senpai. When did you two find time to practice?” He rests his hand on his hip.

“I would say calling it my hobby is a bit of an overstatement, Kirito,” Liena adjusts her grip on the girl in her arms, “but yes, we managed to write out and practice this within the last few weeks or so. Gorgolosso-san thought it would be a lovely thing to present to the children, and I so happened to agree.”

“I remembered that I saw something similar as a kid,” Gorgolosso grins, “and wanted to make the kids happy, like how I was.”

“That’s very admirable, Gorgolosso-senpai.” Eugeo smiles.

“We’ll be performing for a while, you two,” Liena smiles in turn, “and while I do enjoy speaking to you both, that’s something we can do on a daily basis. The festival is only once a year. Instead of attending to us, how about you head off and enjoy yourselves?" 

“Are you saying that you don’t want our company, Liena-senpai?” Kirito crosses his arms.

“Mind your tone, junior,” Liena laughs, “No, it’s not that. I just think that it’s important to take advantage of opportunities you wouldn’t normally have.”

“Well, if my upperclassman says so,” Kirito grabs Eugeo’s hand, “guess we have no choice! Come on, Eugeo!” Kirito pulls him along into a run.

“W-wait! My arm! Kirito!”  

They spend the time until evening indulging in street food and attending other performances. In the town square, an acting troupe recreates of one of Bercouli’s legends. Later, a dancer who utilizes the Sacred Arts to enhance her aesthetic, and after her, a bard who recalls the story of how the Human World came to be through Stacia.

“All of this is so much more than what Rulid has…” Eugeo remembers the village chief sitting on a stool that had one leg too short, his hands flying about like birds, delivering to the village children what the bard is dictating now.

It reminds him how far away from home he is. He doesn’t remember how many mels.

The act closes, and evening arrives. Blue fades out of the darkening sky and the stars wake up into the emerging night. Yellow light from the street lamps layer over the purple glow of the lanterns, circling the edge of town square, defining bodies in the colors of dusk. The middle of the square opens up to make way for a band that begins tuning when all of its members are settled.

“Hm? This seems to be more subdued than the previous performances...” Kirito holds his chin between his fingers, “...ah, don’t tell me. Is this a dance scene?”

“S-scene?”

“Um, what I meant to say was, will there be a dance taking place soon?”

Eugeo nods, “Since you don’t know the traditional dances, we can go back home if you want?”

“We could.” Kirito’s eyes glint, “Or maybe, you could teach me?”

“T-teach you how to dance? I couldn’t possibly…” Eugeo plays with the cuff of his sleeve. He isn’t sure he’d be able to teach it well. “...a-and we’d need partners, anyway.” 

“Okay, then I’ll be yours,” Kirito turns to face Eugeo, “if you’re alright with me?” The mischief in his eyes mellows into a soft regard, followed with a smile that warms his lips.

Eugeo blushes. He meant female partners, but Kirito’s wording never leaves any breathing room for protest. “I, um, I’m alright with you, but are you alright with me?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t.” Kirito snorts.

The band finishes up tuning, and with a collective breath, they begin their first piece. A waltz introduces itself and steps out into the square, asking couples for a dance.

Kirito is depending on Eugeo to know what he’s doing. Eugeo exhales, then takes Kirito’s hand, walking them into the clearing. “I only know how to lead.” He didn’t realize until now that Kirito’s hands are smaller than his. Eugeo holds it in his palm, his fingers folding over into a firm grip, and raises their arms up to the side.

“Then, I’ll follow you.” Kirito steps closer, their waists apart by a few cen, “Where do I put my other hand?”

“Right below my shoulder.” Kirito’s hand comes up to rest there. Eugeo feels the warmth of Kirito’s touch through his uniform. He places his other hand at Kirito’s shoulder blade. He becomes familiar with knowing when he inhales, when he exhales. “I’m starting with my right foot. When I step forward, you step back, okay?” Eugeo squeezes Kirito’s hand.

“Okay.”

He takes a step forward and Kirito takes a smaller step back, repositioning his foot upon landing, and looks up at Eugeo with a smile. Eugeo’s heart is counting a beat that’s quadruple the one they’re hearing. He wonders if Kirito can feel it through their clasped hands. “Now we’re, um...I’m going to place my other foot shoulder-width apart and slide over? And you do the same thing.”

“A-alright.” Kirito looks down at their feet.

Eugeo does a quarter-turn as he steps out, and walks into Kirito. “I-I’m sorry! Are you okay?” They’re around the same height so they may have just accidentally...and if they did, would Kirito have noticed? Is Eugeo thinking too hard about this? He hopes his hands aren’t getting sweaty.

“I’m fine, Eugeo. Let’s keep on going.” Kirito follows after Eugeo, and together they finish the step, “There we go.”

Eugeo nods, “Okay and now I’m going to step back with my left foot—”

“Eugeo?”

“Yes?”

“I have a feeling I might learn better without an explanation.” Kirito tilts his head, “I’m a spontaneous guy. I learn better with my body than I do with my mind.”

_Better with his body?_ Out of context, that would be so dangerous to say! This is not the time for inappropriate thoughts, Eugeo thinks to himself, _especially_ considering their proximity. Also, Kirito doesn’t mean for his words to be taken like that. It would be rude of Eugeo to continue doing so. He blinks, “O-okay. Try your best to follow along.”

He steps back and Kirito steps forward, onto Eugeo’s foot. Eugeo sets his jaw as pain splinters up his leg.

“Ah! I’m sorry.” Kirito backs up into someone who pushes him forward into Eugeo. As Kirito’s chest presses against his, Eugeo’s heart stabs itself and he lets go, stumbling into another person. He apologizes before coming back over to Kirito, blushing.

“We’re a mess,” Eugeo’s laugh is more breath than sound, “but you wanted to learn how to dance.”

“A-actually Eugeo, I’m maybe considering dance isn’t for me after all…” Kirito palms the back of his neck, “...forgive me?”

“Everyone can dance, you just need more practice! It’s like swordsmanship.” Eugeo takes Kirito’s hand again, “We can’t give up now.” Kirito’s taught him so many things, amongst them how to persevere in times of hardship, so the least Eugeo could do for him is teach him how to do this.

“O...okay.” The corner of Kirito’s lips jerks up into a half-smile.

Eugeo settles back into position, “Ready?”

Kirito follows suit, “...ready.”

They continue until it hurts to move.

 

* * *

 

 

“I wanna dance with Alice!” Kirito grabs Alice’s hand, holding it to his chest.

“No, I wanna dance with Alice!” Eugeo does the same, pouting.

“Well obviously we _both_ can’t dance with Alice. I’m older, so I should get to go first.” Kirito grins, putting a hand on his hip, “So there, I win." 

“You’re only older by an hour! And I should get to dance with Alice because...because I don’t want to dance with Selka, she’s too little!” Eugeo frowns.  

“I don’t want to dance with her either!”

“Ugh!” Alice pulls her hands away from both of them, “If you boys want to dance so badly, go dance with each other!” She circles around and pushes Eugeo into Kirito, walking off with her arms crossed.

“Alice!” They both turn to look at her. She’s already dancing with Selka.

_“We were cute, weren’t we?”_

Nineteen-year-old Eugeo realizes that he’s been looking in from an outside perspective. He shifts his attention to the voice and where it came from.

He finds Kirito standing next to him, clothed in a white suit, half of his bangs pulled up and slicked back. “I remember we used to fight over Alice all the time,” Kirito sets his eyes on him, “though I always knew that Alice didn’t think of either of us in that way. Still, it was fun.”

“We made a lot of trouble back then. I’m glad we grew out of it,” Eugeo moves to face Kirito, “you look handsome like this. Reminds me of the nobles.”

“Right back at you.” Kirito holds his hand out, palm up, “Well, may I ask your Highness for a dance?”

Eugeo takes his hand and notices his own sleeve is that of a black suit, “You don’t need to ask.” Kirito pulls him closer, and Eugeo laughs as he wraps his arms around his waist, “This isn’t any dance I know, Kirito.” He hangs his arms over his shoulders, tilting his head.

“You haven’t heard of Aincrad-style dance? It’s very intimate, actually. It involves long periods of hugging,” Kirito buries his face into Eugeo’s chest, “and goes on until I say it stops.”

“Sounds like a rather selfish style of dance.” Eugeo snorts.

“Well if you love your traditional dances _so much_ , I guess we have to get to them, then.” Kirito lifts his head and slides one of his hands up to support Eugeo’s back, the other moving to hold his hand.

“I didn’t say that,” Eugeo places his other hand on Kirito’s upper arm, “I like Aincrad-style dance, actually.”

“Well, too bad. I changed my mind.” Kirito steps forward. 

Eugeo steps back.

They’re in the dorm gardens, a blue night awash in the sky, stars twinkling like specks of day pricked through the dark.  Flower buds surround them in the plant boxes, brilliant blue peeking between green.

Eugeo’s lips thin.

“Like them? I planted the entire thing myself. I’ve never gardened before, but I think they’re turning out just fine.” Kirito turns, and Eugeo comes with him.

“They’re nice,” He wants to rip them out, “I’m glad they’re blooming. Your efforts have been rewarded.”

“Thanks,” Kirito smiles, “I’m proud of myself.”

Eugeo grits his teeth.

“Hey, Eugeo?” Kirito squeezes his hand.

“Yeah?”

They come to a stop, “When are you going to lead?”

“Um, I can lead right now if you’d like.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Kirito steps away from Eugeo and moves to hold both his hands, laughing, “you know that I’m not going to be with you forever, right?”

“K-Kirito, what are you saying—?”

Kirito is framed by the flower buds on either side. “One day I’m going to leave you,

_so, when are you going to get yourself together?”_

Eugeo wakes up.

 

* * *

 

 

 

He hates Kirito’s flowers.

It’s not that he hates how _they_ look—they haven’t even bloomed yet—he hates how _Kirito_ looks when he’s attending them. Kirito regards them with a fondness that’s more than aesthetic. It’s like he’s looking past it, at at the other end of a lake that Eugeo can’t see.

Sometimes Eugeo thinks that Kirito has regained his memories and won’t tell him. Sometimes Eugeo thinks it’s stupid to be jealous over a plant. 

Sometimes Eugeo wants to take a knife and cut the flowers. That way he doesn’t have to see Kirito look like _that_ anymore, like he’s longing for something that is beyond him. Beyond both of them.

But Kirito would be sad.

Wood clacks against wood as their swords engage. Kirito advances forward. “Eugeo, our advancement exam is soon. What are you _doing?”_

“What do you mean _what am I doing—”_ Eugeo is forced back onto a knee. Crushed into an kneel, his body folds. He rolls to the side, recovering to slice at Kirito’s knees.

Kirito evades him and gains distance, holding his sword in the neutral position as he waits for Eugeo to get up. Eugeo clenches his jaw as he rises to his feet. His limbs feel like they’re settling into a deep freeze, his movements reduced to an effort to fight against the cold. It’s inelegant, but most of all, it’s frustrating. It’s a disservice to the Aincrad style. 

“You know what I mean.” Kirito frowns.

“I _don’t.”_ Is Kirito doubting his swordsmanship? Eugeo raises his sword arm and runs at Kirito, slashing down diagonally once he’s in range.

The sword slides across the ground, knocked out of Eugeo’s hand by a well-placed parry. “Let’s stop here for today.” Kirito sheaths his sword.

“I can still fight,” Eugeo moves to pick up his, “I’m not done yet.”

“I’m sorry to say this, but I think you are. Is there something on your mind? It could be affecting your ability.”

Eugeo, facing away from Kirito, grips his swordhandle white-knuckled.

“Whatever you’re thinking of, learn how to turn it into your strength. Your weakness doesn’t need to be your weakness, it can also be a source of energy for your skills.” Kirito walks away, “However, that’s not something I can really teach to you. You have to find out how to do that yourself.”

“Okay.” Eugeo wants to throw his sword across the room and scream.

 

* * *

 

 

Blue roses strangle unbloomed flowers as they climb up their stems, starving them of light as flowers consume their space. Kirito is against the ground, half-buried in blue, his legs held against the grass by the bite of rose stems. Eugeo presses his weight into his hands, crushing Kirito’s throat beneath his palms.

“I don’t want you to remember,” Kirito chokes underneath him, “don’t leave me.”

“Eugeo,” his voice is a series of wheezes, “Eugeo, _please.”_ Hands crumple Eugeo’s sleeve.

“Why do you even need to leave anyway? What is there back home?” Blood vessels burst in the whites of Kirito’s eyes, “Don’t do this to me.”

“Stop—”

“I don’t even want to do this to you, but I have no other idea how to make you stay!” Only he, Kirito, and the flowers can hear him scream, “You’re so much better than I am! You can leave and be fine, but I won’t be. I won’t!”

Kirito sinks into the flowers beneath him. Roses crowd around his face and swallow up his right eye.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m like this.” 

Blue roses bloom. 

Eugeo wakes up. He doesn’t go back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re out gardening. Kirito is watering the plants with that tender expression on his face that Eugeo wishes was for him instead.

Eugeo hasn’t been getting sleep lately. Falling asleep by itself is fine, but the quality of it is something else altogether. It seems like every night now he wakes up because of a Kirito-related nightmare. 

He’s getting tired of being tired. He’s tired of dreading the evening, and he’s tired of the reluctance he tucks himself into bed with every night.

How can he be so sure Kirito will leave him if he’s never asked?

Asking is risky, though. Asking means he’ll have to open himself up to possibility—and what is he going to do if Kirito says goodbye?

He doesn’t know.

Courage. He has to have courage. Bridges will be burned _when_ he gets to them, not _before_. But does he even have courage?

Yes. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked Kirito to mentor him in the first place.

He doesn’t want to do this.

He has to do this. If he doesn’t, then it’ll affect his evaluation. He _has_ to place within the top twelve, not for him, but for Alice. Then he has to graduate—first seat or second seat it doesn’t really matter—get to the Empire Swordsmanship Tournament, win, and become an Integrity Knight.

This is for the future. It doesn’t matter how much he doesn’t want to do it, because he _has to._  

...and besides, he can’t go on being self-destructive forever. His nightmares are affecting him mentally. They’re the reason why he can’t trust himself in a room alone with Kirito anymore.

He’s tired of hating himself, for now.

Eugeo takes a breath, “Hey, Kirito?” He swallows, “What would you do if you regained your memories?”

Kirito’s eyebrows furrow, “What do you mean by that?”

“You have no real reason to be here, other than to accompany me in my pursuit of Alice. So what I’m trying to say is, if you recovered your memories, then maybe…” Eugeo looks at Kirito.

Kirito puts a hand on his shoulder, “No. Even if I had my memories back, I’m not going anywhere.” Kirito looks at Eugeo, “There’s a few things I know for sure. I know that I was a swordsman, and I know that, together, we’re going to aim for the Empire Swordsmanship Tournament.”

Oh. That’s not what he expected. “Kirito I…” He knows he said that he was done with self-depreciation, but he really doesn’t deserve Kirito, “...I’m weak. If I never met you, I’d probably still be swinging my axe everyday, using my Sacred Task as an excuse to never find Alice.” He lowers his head, “For the last two years, if you hadn’t been in front of me, I-I don’t know how I would’ve gotten here. So, when you said you wouldn’t leave me…” his voice hushes to a whisper, “...I felt so relieved.”

He’s burdening Kirito with his feelings again, like how he cried during the Festival of Blessings. He can’t keep on doing this. It’s not Kirito’s responsibility to take care of him.

“Hey. Listen, there’s no way I could’ve gotten to Central alone.” Kirito squeezes his shoulder, “I’m a Lost Child of Vecta who didn’t know any geography, forgot all the Laws, and most importantly, I didn’t have a single shear. I’m a little better now but, the only reason I’ve been able to get here this far is because of you, Eugeo. And that will remain true from today onwards. If we don’t work together, we won’t be able to beat the nobility here, who’ve been using the sword since they’ve learned how to walk. But once we do, we’re going to become Integrity Knights, together.”

...right. That’s right. There’s no reason why Kirito wouldn’t have left him already if he had no reason to stay. For how irresponsible he can be at times, Kirito is a pragmatist at heart. He needs him. They need each other. Eugeo lifts his head, “Yeah. One day, we’ll get to Central Cathedral.”

“Right, and for that sake, we need to do well in our final evaluation. I don’t understand the Sacred Arts too well, so...wanna study when we get back?” Kirito grins.

“Oh, sure! We’ll start with suitable reaction media.” Eugeo smiles back.

“Haha…” Kirito scratches the back of his head.  


* * *

 

 

“...so you can change the shape of objects with the _Change Shape_ invocation, but your shapes are limited by your System Authority, as well as by the media that you are changing. For instance, you cannot change a plank of wood into a sword without the proper Authority, and you cannot change that sword into a boat because you are limited by the amount of wood that—”

“Eugeo, can I take a nap?” Kirito sets aside his pen and rests his arms on the desk, dropping his head into the space they encircle, “Just for a moment.”

“That’s called going to sleep, Kirito. And besides, there’s so much material we haven’t covered yet.” Eugeo sighs, “I really don’t understand why you’ve left all of this until now. You even forgot the fundamentals.”

“No, no, I’m not going to sleep Eugeo. See what I’m going to do is close my eyes for...let’s say half an hour. Then I’ll wake up. That’s a nap, right?” Kirito yawns, “And it’s going to be fine. I haven’t failed anything yet.”

“Yet. Really, your work ethic could use some of the diligence you put into swordsmanship.” Eugeo frowns.

Kirito exhales into his papers.

“Kirito? Kirito, you can’t possibly be asleep already.” Eugeo reaches over and shakes his shoulder, “Are you awake?”

Orange light flickers across the desk.

“Goodness..! Well you did say thirty minutes, so I guess I’ll give you a break…” Eugeo sits back into his chair and holds up the book in his lap, crosses his legs, begins to read.

He’s twenty more pages in when the half-hour bell tolls. Eugeo places the book down on the desk and leans over to shake Kirito again. “Hey, wake up?”

Kirito readjusts his position, his cheek smearing his notes. 

“And he said he wouldn’t sleep!” Should he wake him up? No, that wouldn’t help him study at all. He’d fall back asleep without having learned a thing.

So then, what to do about him sleeping like this? Crouched over his desk can’t be good for his back. Eugeo will have to move him to bed. How to approach? Well, Kirito’s more or less in the position for a bridal carry.

A bridal carry?

He shouldn’t be thinking about marriage again. First, they can’t get married, and second, Kirito doesn’t even see him in that way.

Kirito would look really handsome in a white suit, and his dreams have only served to prove it. Kirito said that when they become Elite Swordsmen he’d want his uniform in black—and while that color is good, it doesn’t do justice to how dark his hair and eyes are. They remind Eugeo of the night.

If they could get married, Eugeo would want to go back to Rulid and get married in the church there. He would want Alice to be present, too. And after he and Kirito k-kiss, Kirito would throw Alice the bouquet while being carried down the aisle.

Husbands. They’d be husbands. And they’d share the same house and sleep in the same bed and every day would be another day he’d get to see Kirito smile.

Eugeo buries his face in his hands and bites down a scream.

He still has to move Kirito.

One arm hooks his knees, the other supports his back. Eugeo straightens up with Kirito in his arms, there are no wedding bells here, and carries him over to the lower bunk. He crouches down and moves him onto the bed. Kirito throws his limbs out and shoves a hand up his own shirt, exposing his stomach. 

“Geez,” Eugeo yanks the blanket out from underneath Kirito and tucks him in, “you sleep just like a kid.”

He could kiss him goodnight.

On the forehead.

_Singular unit detected. Tracing ID…_

He could not do that.

But if he doesn’t do anything now, he’ll never get the chance again. They don’t usually go to bed at separate times. 

His right eye throbs.

Okay. If he does it quickly, then it’ll be fine. Eugeo kisses his palm, presses it against Kirito’s forehead, jerks his hand away.

It was only on the forehead. He didn’t even kiss him directly. And it isn’t even really a romantic thing to kiss someone goodnight anyway, families do it all the time. He just wanted Kirito to have a goodnight and sweet dreams. Showing your friend how much you care for them isn’t Taboo.

A silence passes by. 

Eugeo lets go of his breath and wipes his forehead with the back of his sleeve. He kissed Kirito. Through a proxy, but he still did it.

He changes into sleepwear and climbs into bed red-faced.

 

* * *

 

Eugeo wakes up.

It’s still dark. He doesn’t remember anything past drinking. What did he do today? No, he didn’t do much, but Kirito dueled Volo-senpai and won. Kirito’s so strong. Anyway after the duel, Sortiliena-senpai invited Kirito, Gorgolosso-senpai, and him over to her room for a celebration. And there he drank. And now he’s here. 

Huh, his legs feel heavy. Warm, too. Something’s touching him? Eugeo lifts up his blanket.

_“Kirito!_ Wait, don’t—not there—” Eugeo pushes against Kirito’s forehead, heat rising to his face, “What are you _doing?_ ”

“Well, what _am_ I doing? And pushing me away like that is rude, you know. Eugeo, I thought you had the better manners of the two of us.” Kirito pouts. He rests his chin down on Eugeo. Where is the waistband of Eugeo’s pants right now? Why is Kirito so close to his…

“Why are you doing this?” Eugeo sits up and pulls up his pants, “I—I don’t…” There’s no way Kirito likes him. Not in the way Eugeo likes him. Maybe Kirito found out how he feels and is doing this as a joke. “...a-are you making fun of me?”

“Idiot,” Kirito sits up too, crossing his arms, “why would I break the Taboo Index just to mess with you? Idiot.” Is he blushing? It’s hard to see.

“Then why…” They broke Taboo. Eugeo lowers his head. They’re going to be imprisoned tomorrow. And after an interrogation, they’ll be executed.

“Are you really that dense? I don’t want to have to say it out loud but, you’re not giving me a choice here…” Kirito sighs, “...hey, Eugeo. Lift your head.”

“Okay..?” He does as asked.

Kirito cradles his face in his hands, “I like you.”

“Huh?”

“I like you, Eugeo.”

He’s going to pass out. It’s so hot, his face burns, his heart hurts, what’s happening to him? What should he say? He’s sweating. Is he still breathing? He has to say something. Kirito actually likes him back! “I-I like you too!”

“I already knew that!” Kirito squishes his face, “Why do you think I was doing that earlier?”

“I-I don’t know!” Was he obvious? Was he really that obvious?

“You’re so—” Kirito lets go and claps his hands onto his shoulders, pushing him down onto the bed, “—I was in the middle of something. Let me do this for you.”

“W-wait, you don’t need to? I’m really okay. It’s fine.” Kirito yanks Eugeo’s pants off. Eugeo shuts his legs and buries his face in his own hands.

“But I want to,” Kirito rests his hands on Eugeo’s knees, “do you want this, too?”

“I—I…”

“I mean, it’s fine if you don’t. I can just stop.”

Does he want him to stop? Eugeo’s a little scared, but...he’s excited, too. And happy. He’s happy that Kirito likes him and wants to make him feel good. “...no." 

“Eugeo?”

“D-don’t stop, Kirito.” Eugeo lifts his hands off of his face, moving them to his sides.  

“Are you sure?”

He nods once, “Yes.”

“Okay.” Kirito’s hands slide down from Eugeo’s knees onto his thighs. He applies pressure, and Eugeo opens. Kirito settles his face between his legs and Eugeo feels his breath, shivering. 

“T-tickles.” Eugeo’s fingers curl into the bedding.

“Does it?” Hands are on him, warm, “How about now?”

“I don’t...I’m not sure how that feels…” Eugeo leans back into his pillow.

“H’ ‘bou’ ‘ow?”

“Don’t speak with your mouth full—” He shuts his eyes. It’s hot. Kirito swallows and Eugeo jerks up into him.

Kirito chokes, pulls off, and coughs into his hand.

“I—I’m sorry! Are you okay?” Eugeo sits up and puts a hand on Kirito’s shoulder. He hurt him. Maybe they shouldn’t do this.

“Yeah, just—don’t do that again, okay?” Kirito pulls his hand away, managing a smile.

“We can stop if it’s too much?” Eugeo moves his hand up to caress the side of Kirito’s face, thumbing his cheek.

“It’s not—” Kirito blinks away a tear.

Eugeo leans forward and kisses his forehead, “Let’s do something else. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“What, am I too much for you? Can’t control yourself around me?” Kirito laughs, sitting up.

“Yes. You’re very cute, Kirito.” Eugeo kisses his lips, then presses their foreheads together, “What do you want to do instead?” 

“Probably something that doesn’t involve me choking to death,” Kirito kisses him back, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, “jokes aside, I do have an idea. Wanna hear it?”  

“Well, I did just ask you.”

“Since when did you get to be so cheeky?” Kirito pouts. 

“I learned from the best.” Eugeo laughs.

“And you’ll be learning some new things soon! Eugeo, I want you to…” Kirito burns red, “...uh.”

“Hm? What is it?” Eugeo kisses along his jawline and onto his neck. Should he leave marks? Someone’s going to wonder where they came from.

Kirito cranes his neck, “D-don’t distract me...”  

“Uh huh.” He sucks marks right where their uniform would lie. Red breaks between his teeth, splotches of color underneath an invisible collar.

An exhale passes through teeth, “...Eugeo, I want you in me.”

Eugeo rests his chin on Kirito shoulder, “Oh, so like in copulation?” 

Silence. “Eugeo, y-you know that boys can’t get pregnant, right?”

“Yes, I am aware?”

A sigh. Kirito pats his head, “That’s great. I was worried you had the wrong idea there.”

“I’ve just never heard of two boys engaging in that sort of…” His dreams would say otherwise.

“Well, you wanna try it?”

“If it makes you happy.” Eugeo straightens up. 

Kirito holds both his hands, “I need a definite answer here, Eugeo.”  

“Then, yes.” Eugeo squeezes Kirito’s hands, “How...how do we start?” He’s never held a girl before, like this, so he doesn’t even have a reference from there. He thinks back to the church in Rulid and of Sister Azariya’s lectures. This goes in that..? But Kirito doesn’t have _that._  

“Well, um…” Kirito hooks a thumb in the waistband of his own pants and tugs down, taking his underwear with it. He sets his pointer and middle finger together, _“System call, generate aqueous element. Form element, oil shape.”_ Liquid slicks his fingers, and he reaches around back, “...I have to prepare myself first.”

“O-oh. Okay. Can I help somehow..?” Eugeo holds Kirito’s free hand. He watches as Kirito sits back onto himself, eyebrows furrowing, his grip on Eugeo tightening.

“N-not really. Unless you wanna give me a kiss for good luck?” Kirito smiles, and Eugeo leans in.

He takes his time to know how Kirito’s lips feel. They’re soft, warm. He tastes the lingering flavor of wine. Eugeo moves against them and Kirito moves back, sighs are exchanged, breaths are shared. He doesn’t know what to call this other than “nice”. It is nice to be this close to Kirito, and it is nice to be able to kiss him like this.

Kirito’s lips part. So do Eugeo’s. Eugeo tastes him fuller now, bitter alcohol and sweet honey. His teeth catch on Kirito’s tongue—Kirito snorts, and soothes it over with a swipe across Eugeo’s top lip. Eugeo isn’t really sure how to go about this, where should he be and when, but Kirito doesn’t seem to care. Eugeo learns. Kirito leans into him, tilting his head, and Eugeo partakes. When they seperate, his bottom lip aches, wet with a sheen that he sucks off.

“M’ ready, now.” Kirito’s voice quiets to a whisper.

“Okay.” Eugeo repositions them and they fall down together. Kirito’s head rests on the pillow, his hands on either side. Eugeo fits into their space, locking his fingers between Kirito’s. “Um, is this still alright..? You can change your mind.”

“It’s alright. I did say I was ready.” Kirito laughs, “Go ahead.”

_Go ahead?_ Kirito’s easygoing as usual, but what if Eugeo hurts him again?

He’ll go slow. If it’s too much, he’ll stop. They’ll make do with something else for the rest of the night. 

Eugeo exhales. He positions himself. He pushes in, and stills when he can’t go further. He’s in. He’s actually in Kirito. They’re really doing this. That can’t possibly be comfortable—”Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

“I-I’m fine. Just, ah, I need a moment.” Kirito closes his eyes, sets his jaw.

Kirito feels amazing. Overwhelming. Eugeo hopes his body acts accordingly. He wants it to. He’ll force it to. Kirito trusts him and he cannot break that trust. Eugeo fights against himself in an effort to stay still, his body wound, tight with reservation.

Kirito relaxes around him, breathing in, breathing out. “Okay. Y-you can move now.” He looks up at Eugeo with a smile, flushed pink, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face.  

Eugeo nods. He should give Kirito more time to get accustomed to him. Kirito may be fine now, but moving is another thing entirely.

Okay. Eugeo begins to withdraw, stops when he’s nearly out, sinks back in. Taking it slow lets him appreciate Kirito’s reactions: how Kirito clenches onto nothing when Eugeo isn’t there, how his lips fall open when Eugeo comes back. Eugeo goes through the motions again. Kirito meets him this time, rolling his hips down when Eugeo is in. They share a look.

He wonders if Kirito is feeling the same as him right now. This feels good, painful, the leisure of his pace forcing him to experience every movement. Kirito’s fingers dig into the back of Eugeo’s palms. Kirito tightens when Eugeo is all the way in, eyes closing before they open again, wet with tears.

Oh no. “Did I hurt you?” Eugeo stops. 

“No. I’m just—” Kirito blinks, tears rolling away from his eyes, “—you can go faster.”

“A-are you sure? You’re crying.”

“Tears of frustration,” he laughs, “please, Eugeo.”

“Are you sure? I…” Eugeo knows he’s stronger than Kirito, by grace of his woodcutting years. 

Kirito nods, “Please.”

Alright. “If it’s too much, just tell me to stop.” Eugeo kisses Kirito before settling back into position. He gives him a smile, and Kirito smiles back.

He’ll do as he pleases, then.

Eugeo pulls out and slams in, the bed frame creaks, Kirito chokes on a noise, hands grip harder on each other, Eugeo rams him again, Kirito’s eyes unfocus, the pillow underneath his head shifts up with him, Eugeo clenches his jaw, Kirito locks his legs behind him, and a rhythm is set to bruise.

Kirito is his. No one else has seen or will see Kirito like this except for Eugeo. No one else will get to see how good Kirito looks right now, with purple on his neck and red on his face.

Eugeo likes it like this. He’s the only one who can make Kirito feel this good, and he wants Kirito to know it. His thrusts convey his thoughts with force. The bed frame creaks. The pillow nudges up the headboard. Kirito’s eyes are shut, his breaths heavy and then heavier. 

Kirito pulls Eugeo closer with his legs. He’s cute like this, so hazed by sensation that he can’t control his body. Eugeo wants to see him come apart. He’ll make him come apart.

“M’ gunna,” Kirito slurs his words, “cum.”

Eugeo buries into him and Kirito arches, clenched around Eugeo tight enough to hurt, cumming onto himself with a whine.

“I—” Eugeo shuts his eyes, “—Kirito, I’m—”

He cums, too.

Eugeo opens his eyes. Kirito isn’t there. Eugeo’s lying down on the bed, blanket tucked around him.

He lifts the blanket and checks his underwear.

Wet.

 

* * *

 

 

 

He can’t look Kirito in the eye.

He wonders if it’ll affect his evaluation.

The thirtieth comes and goes. He places in the top five. Fifth.

Kirito is sixth.

Kirito’s flowers are zephilias. They’re beautiful. Sortiliena-senpai cries when she receives them, and Kirito teases her for it.

Gorgolosso-senpai is proud of him. Eugeo holds back tears when he exits the school gates.

Their upperclassmen are graduating. Beginning next week, Eugeo and Kirito will be Elite Swordsmen.

“We’ve come this far in two years already, huh?” Kirito rolls over to face Eugeo, propping his head up with his hand.

“Yeah. I think Alice would be proud of the progress we’re making.” Eugeo looks over at Kirito, smiling.

They have nothing in particular to do in the days between now and when they officially become Elite Swordsmen. So, they’ve decided to spend their newfound leisure against the Central Plaza lawn, resting under the warmth of the sun.

“Nothing hard work can’t accomplish.” Kirito grins.

“Mhm.” Eugeo closes his eyes, “The weather’s good today. Makes me sleepy.”

“Nap time, then.” Kirito shifts onto his back.

“Yeah,” wait, Eugeo remembers something, “oh actually, I kinda wanted to talk.”

“What’s up?”

“Our valets. Who are you going to choose?”

“Ah right, that.” Kirito sighs, “I don’t know. The whole thing is kinda whatever, if you ask me. It’s just singling people out. The top Elite Swordsmen get to pick their favorites, and the ones left have no choice.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how I feel about it either.” What is it like to know that no one wanted you as a valet? What is it like to be the twelfth Elite Swordsman, good enough to be in the top twelve but not good enough to have a choice? “We have to pick eventually, though.”

“Who says?”

“Kirito?” Eugeo opens his eyes. Kirito has _that_ tone of voice.

“Here’s the thing about choice: you can choose _not_ to choose.”

“...if we didn’t choose, what benefit would that have?”

“Well for one, those who were left unpicked would go to us. If we never tell them, then they’d never know that we didn’t explicitly choose them. Two, it gives the eleventh and twelfth seats a broader range of choice, though minimal.” Kirito turns to look at Eugeo, “I think it’s a good idea.”

It does sound good, but… “What about the valets who get chosen by the eleventh and twelfth seats? How are they going to know that they weren’t the ones left behind?”

“Good question. I guess we could have this arrangement work on the condition that their Elite Swordsmen tell them about it.”

“Alright. And I’d like for the valets to keep  this secret, too. It would be disastrous if ours found out through rumor…” That would be a situation neither he nor Kirito could handle.

“Sounds good. It’s settled, then?”

Eugeo nods, “I think it is.” 

“Then, it’s nap time!” Kirito stretches out his legs, tucks his hands under his head, and closes his eyes. “Night, Eugeo.”

“M’okay,” Eugeo closes his eyes, too. “it’s not night, though.”

“Then, afternoon.”

Eugeo laughs.

 

* * *

 

 

Tieze and Ronye.

Their names are Tieze and Ronye.

“Ronye reminds me of my sister,” Kirito says.

Sister? “You’ve regained your memories?”

Kirito blinks, “U-uh, no. I just think she’s very...little sisterly.”

Eugeo can understand. Tieze reminds him of Selka in some ways. It’s the look in her eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sorry that I’ve been making you do drills for weeks now. I just think it’s important to build a strong foundation. Basics first, swordsmanship second.” Eugeo folds his arms. Should he even be allowed to mentor Tieze? He didn’t have any formal training before coming to the Academy. It was years of woodcutting that shaped him, and that’s far north from the nobles’ sword styles. Not to mention, he’s a peasant. He doesn’t have a last name. Tieze does.

He’s also been thinking that Tieze might be annoyed that she hasn’t learned any sword skills yet. Maybe they should move on. But maybe they shouldn’t? Eugeo truly believes in the value of hard work, and if they kept at this for another two weeks or so, Tieze might have the basic muscle to handle simple forms of the Aincrad style with ease.  

“No worries! Slow and steady, right?” Tieze swings down on a training log, smiling. Her sword clunks. Sweat runs down her chin.

“R-right.” She can’t possibly satisfied with just this.

Besides, should he really be teaching swordsmanship when he doesn’t know why he’s a swordsman himself? For Alice’s sake maybe, but that doesn’t seem to be the extent of it.

Why does he wield his sword? 

“Let's stop for today. Great work, Tieze,” Eugeo frowns, “I just wish I could be a better mentor to you.”

Tieze lowers her sword, turning to face Eugeo, “E-excuse me for my imprudence, but I think you’re a fantastic mentor!”

“I’m sorry?”

She uses her sword as a crutch, leaning towards Eugeo, her eyes bright and her cheeks pink, “When I said that I only really got into the top twelve because of my proficiency in the Sacred Arts, I thought you would make fun of me, but actually you thought that was very admirable! I was surprised.” Pink turns to red, “And since then you’ve been exceedingly patient in preparing me for the Aincrad sword style, and whenever I make a mistake you never scold me, and your instructions are very clear and easy to understand, and you’re nice, and there’s all these other great things about you that I would like to list if I could remember them now.”

Eugeo feels a cold sweat coming on, “Y-you think that highly of me?”

Tieze nods, “I think the world of you, Eugeo-senpai.” A pause. She covers her mouth with her hand, “I apologize if I’ve said anything unbefitting of a student.”

Ah, Eugeo knows that look.

It’s the same one he gives Kirito.

He doesn’t understand. There isn’t anything particularly good about him. “N-no it’s alright, Tieze. Thank you for your kind words.” Eugeo’s fingers dig into his arms, “You may sheathe your sword now.”

“Yes, Eugeo-senpai!” She runs over to the sword racks.

He can’t return her feelings.

It’s his fault, really. 

His fault for liking Kirito.

 

* * *

 

 

This isn’t his body.

Everything but his face isn’t his. 

Eugeo touches the mirror. The person in the mirror touches him.

A girl. That’s a girl.

He’s a girl. 

Eugeo steps back and takes a breath. He should get dressed. He goes over to the closet and takes out his uniform, a tailored jacket and its accompanying skirt. He takes out a set of underwear. White.

Panties, bra, socks, skirt, jacket. Boots. Hair tie. Like Sortiliena-senpai, though less elegant. The skirt feels too open. He doesn’t own pants.

He steps out of his room and the day proceeds. Breakfast, classes, lunch, training, mentoring Tieze, dinner. He has dinner with Kirito and though the contents of their conversation are as usual, the looks they share aren’t. Kirito smiles but it isn’t the same.  

Dinner finishes and Eugeo walks over to the Elite Swordsmans’ practice hall. He practices his strikes, as he does every day, and then heads to the baths. He tries not to look down.

Eugeo returns to his shared dorm with Kirito. Kirito is spread across the couch, a book on his face. When he hears Eugeo open the door, he removes the book, sits up, and smiles, “Going to study for the rest of the night?”

“Yeah.”

“Come over here, then.”  

Eugeo steps up to Kirito’s side.

“Down a little?”

He bends at the waist.

Kirito kisses him on the cheek, “There’s my goodnight kiss in advance. Happy studying, Eugeo.”

“G-goodnight.” Eugeo straightens up.

“Aw, I don’t get one?” Kirito pouts.

Perhaps this is how things would be if he were actually a girl. Maybe he and Kirito would’ve had a normal romance, a quiet romance, like this one.

But he’s not a girl, and this is a dream.

Eugeo kisses Kirito’s cheek.

 

* * *

 

 

Eugeo and Kirito have set aside 9:30 PM on the day before rest for tea and conversation. The decision was in light of their recent schedule changes—now that they’ve become upperclassmen, their responsibilities have increased. Some weeks they don’t have the luxury to see each other, despite sharing a living room. This arrangement amends that.

Eugeo sips at his tea, his lips thinning. Kirito likes Kohiru tea from Southacroith. He serves it every time he gets to choose. Thankfully for Eugeo, that isn’t as often anymore. He would tell Kirito that it’s too bitter for him. He would, but he hasn’t.

“...it’s not like I’m late on purpose. I just get caught up in things. The other day, there was this lost kid, and you know I just couldn’t leave her—”

Eugeo sets his cup down, “Yes, but you can’t keep on making Ronye wait for you to come back. She’s stood there for up to twenty minutes, you know.”

Kirito frowns, “Okay, fine. I’m going to try to be on time from now on. I’ll be Mr. Punctual.”

“Trying is an improvement already,” Eugeo laugh, “if you remember our time as trainees.”

“What do you mean _‘if I remember’_? We were still trainees just a few months ago.”

“I consider your memory unreliable, since you never seem to remember what we learn in class.”

“It’s just so _boring,_ Eugeo. I like a hands-on approach. I’m sure if we spent more class time with practical application, I could learn the Sacred Arts, no problem.” Kirito makes a fist.

“You know we don’t have the resources for that.”

“Still. If it weren’t for that, who knows how we would’ve placed in our advancement exam?” Kirito grins, “Maybe I would’ve been first seat?”

“You need to know your Laws to place that high.” Eugeo snorts. 

Kirito drinks his tea, narrowing his eyes at Eugeo. Eugeo toasts the air, smiling, taking a sip of his own.

Kirito places his cup back in its saucer and stares down into it. He stays like that for a while.

Eugeo is about to ask him if something’s the matter when Kirito speaks up. “Hey, Eugeo?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you think of our rankings anyway?” Kirito puts his tea aside.

“I’m slightly disappointed we couldn’t do better, but we gave it our best. If we continue our training, I think we can be first and second chair by the end of the academic year.” Like Kirito, Eugeo sets his tea tableside. 

“And what about our rankings in relation with each other? You know, fifth and sixth.” Kirito folds his hands in his lap.

“I think I’m above you only because I have better study habits. That’s all.” Eugeo looks over at Kirito. Kirito looks at his hands.

“Eugeo, honestly, your swordsmanship is amazing. I think that one day you might even surpass me.” Kirito continues, his eyebrows lowering, “I’m just...I’m worried.”

Worried? Has Kirito ever been worried before? From killing goblins to challenging Volo-senpai, there was never any hesitation in his choices. Eugeo can’t imagine what could make Kirito like this. “...why?”

“If, someday, we find ourselves at odds, Eugeo…” Kirito looks up at Eugeo.

Lost. Kirito looks lost. He doesn’t know what he’d do if they had to cross swords.

It scares Eugeo.

But it isn’t time for him to be scared. Kirito’s hurting, and it’s his responsibility to help.

Well, Eugeo’s doesn’t know what he’d do, either. But what he does know is that Kirito is stronger than him in all aspects except for physique. Kirito is resourceful, and he is emotionally competent. Though he may not know what to do now, Eugeo believes in his ability to make the right decision, if the time should ever come.

Eugeo reseats himself next to Kirito, placing his hand over his, “I don’t know what circumstances would force us to turn against each other, but if they were to happen, I trust that you would stop me.”

“Would I be strong enough to face you?” Kirito curls his hand into a fist, “Could I even fight you?" 

Of course. Kirito’s strong, in more than just the literal sense. It’s one of the many reasons Eugeo adores him.

“You are stronger, and will always be stronger than I am.” Eugeo reaches over to Kirito’s far shoulder, pulling him into a hug, “I’m confident that I will always lose to you.”

Kirito buries his head, “I don’t want to have to fight you seriously. Ever.”

Why would they ever fight? 

“Well, don’t talk as if it’s destined to happen. You might accidentally speak it into existence.”  

Sniffle, “Okay.”

Kirito’s never cried in front of him, before. He must’ve been thinking about this for a while. Eugeo pets the back of his head, holding him close.  

Eugeo wonders if it’s inappropriate to have Kirito to himself like this. He wonders if it’s selfish.

He wonders why Kirito thinks they’ll fight.

Considering that Kirito doesn’t tend to anguish over future possibilities, it’s like he _knows_ that one day they’ll have to face each other. Eugeo doesn’t have any idea over what, though. They never argue, and when they do, it’s in jest.

If the day should come...well, he’ll just put his faith in Kirito. Things always turn out alright when he does.

“...hey, Eugeo?” Kirito talks into Eugeo’s shoulder.

“Yes, Kirito?”

“Do you like the tea?”

Eugeo blinks. “Y-yes?” Isn’t this completely unrelated?

“I know you don’t, liar.” Kirito lifts his head, grinning, “You’re terrible at hiding your expressions.” The area around his eyes is red.

“It’s—well, it’s a little bitter for me, s’all.” Eugeo blushes.

Kirito sits up, “Try it with milk next time,

I bet you’ll find it sweeter.”

 

* * *

 

 

It’s during a spring picnic that he and Kirito are informed of the troubling news—Humbert has been forcing his valet, Frenica, into rather _compromising_ situations. 

It’s all Eugeo’s fault. He shouldn’t have challenged Humbert the other day. Because of his own foolishness, he’s put another person in danger.

He just doesn’t understand. What does Humbert gain out of this? What does he gain out of exploitation of another person’s body?

_“There are some things you should not do, even if they are permissible by law. And, there are things you_ should _do, even if the law prevents them.”_

Isn’t the Taboo Index absolute? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing, a means to guide society into order? Why would it allow for Humbert, and by extension nobles, to perform unspeakable acts?

_“Oh my. Eugeo-dono, what are you implying here? What exactly did Humbert do to Frenica? Pray tell.”_

He doesn’t know _exactly_ what happened, but he knows something isn’t right!

_“Practice leaves my body aching. As such, I’ve asked Frenica to massage my body during my evening baths. And since it would trouble her to have a wet uniform, I’ve generously allowed her to undress to her underwear. Which part of this exactly is unfitting, vulgar behavior?”_

All of it! Every part of it is blatant disrespect towards personal privacy, and every bit of it is a display of repulsive behavior!

Why does the Taboo Index permit this to happen, and prevent him from ever confessing to Kirito?

Is what he’s doing _worse?_

Is what he’s feeling an unforgivable crime?

Should he not even dream?

_He’s using Kirito in his dreams like Humbert uses Frenica._

Eugeo doesn’t sleep.

 

* * *

 

“P-please forgive me for saying this, but,” Tieze hugs his arm, “if you don’t become an Integrity Knight, could you be my..?”

He doesn’t want to hurt her.

“...yeah. After the tournament, I’ll come looking for you.”

Eugeo swallows his guilt. It’s bitter.

 

* * *

 

 

“You didn’t try very hard, huh?” Kirito laughs, sitting kings-cross in a throne of blue roses, “Did you want to see me that badly?”

_He fell asleep?_ Since when? Did he blink?

“I-I shouldn’t,” Eugeo clenches his fists, “I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be doing this to you.”

“Doing what? This is how it’s been for the last two years, right?” Kirito smiles, “What will we be doing today? What role should I play?”

“That’s what I mean. I’ve been using you.” Eugeo drops his head, “I’ve been using you to fulfill my desires. It isn’t fair to you. To Kirito, I mean. The Kirito in reality.”

“He won’t know if you don’t tell him. I don’t see the problem here.”

“It isn’t right.” Eugeo’s lips thin, “It isn’t right, because I’ve...I’ve been using these dreams to not only indulge my selfishness, but also as an emotional crutch. I’m so scared of the Taboo Index and of rejection that I...I did something pathetic like this.”

“Then why not try to change?”

That isn’t Kirito’s voice. Eugeo looks up.

It’s him. The other Eugeo uses the Blue Rose Sword to stand up from the throne, armor clinking, cape dropping to the floor. “All you ever do is go around in circles. All you’ve ever done is rely on Kirito to make choices for you. Have you ever considered that this isn’t how to live?”

“I know that! Don’t talk to me as if I don’t!” Eugeo blinks away tears, “I know what I have to do, I just...I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know how to start. I don’t know if I _can_ start.”

“Sounds like someone who’s never tried before.”

“It’s just so hard,” Eugeo wipes at his eyes with his sleeve. He’s weak. He’s a coward. Change isn’t something that comes easily to him.

The other Eugeo walks over. He holds the Blue Rose Sword out towards him. “Let’s start with realizing what you fight for.”

Eugeo takes the sword, looking it over in his hands, “I don’t know.”

“You do.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Why can’t he move?_

The Axiom Church’s authority is absolute. The Taboo Index’s authority is absolute. Going against that authority is forbidden. You cannot do forbidden acts. The Axiom Church’s authority is

_Who cares about that?_ Tieze and Ronye need his help. They need his help, and yet, he can’t do anything but watch!

What kind of law allows for this to happen? Raios and Humbert, their hands places where they shouldn’t be, grabbing, groping, greasy. 

Eugeo’s right eye throbs. His feet are locked against the floor, the rest of his body still. He needs to move, _now!_

What good is the law if it doesn’t protect its people?

What good is following the law if it means he can’t stand up for what’s right?

_“Save us, Eugeo-senpai_ _—_ _!”_

**System Alert: Code 871.**

Eugeo seizes the grip of his sword. He knows now. It’s taken him this long, but he knows now. He knows why he fights! _It’s to protect the people that he cares about!_

His eye subjects him to writhing, searing pain before exploding in its socket. Gritting his teeth, he draws his sword and slashes, light tracing the path of his blade.

Humbert’s arm flies off.

Oh. He did that.

“Magnificent! This is the first time I’ve seen someone commit a Taboo. To be honest, I was expecting nothing more than a single act of disrespect...but to think you would actually violate the Taboo Index!” Raios rises onto his feet and dismounts a sword from the wall, raising it above his head, “Swordsman-in-training Eugeo, no, criminal!” he’s grinning, “I, Raios Antinous, the eldest son of a third class family, will now execute you as per the nobles’ judgement authority! Offer your Life to Stacia, and atone for your crime!”

He just cut off Humbert’s arm.

No, more importantly, he’s about to die. Raios is going to kill him.

The sword comes down and never lands. Eugeo raises his head.

“...Kirito.” Of course he’s here, late as usual.

“I won’t let you hurt Eugeo, Raios.” Kirito pushes the Night Sky sword against Raios’.

Raios sneers, “So you’ve finally arrived, swordsman-in-training Kirito. However, you’re a little late! That peasant over there is no longer a student of this academy, or even a subject of this empire for that matter. He’s now a heinous criminal who disobeyed the Taboo Index! I, Raios Antinous, the eldest son of a third class nole family and the head elite swordsman-in-training, have the noble authority to judge his crimes! So back off and look on, as this criminal’s head falls!”

Kirito stands his ground, _“Like I care about that.”_

Metal clangs against metal. Red light surges between flashes of green. Kirito is forced onto a knee, but the release of the Serlut-style Secret Skill, Whirl Current, blows Raios’ arms off. Kirito gets up.

Humbert and Raios exchange hysterics. Before Kirito can help Raios tourniquet his injuries, Raios convulses and thumps onto the carpet, his arm stumps bleeding out.

“Y-you killed him! _Monsters!”_ Humbert throws himself into the hallway, screaming as he runs away.

Monster. Eugeo cut off Humbert’s arm. He facilitated Raios’ murder. He rises onto his feet and Tieze pushes herself into his arms. “I-I’m sorry Eugeo-senpai, it’s all because of me that..!”

No, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s his. “It’s not your fault, Tieze. I should’ve thought things out more…”

“But..!”

“I’m sorry that I’ve put you and Ronye through all of this. At least the two of you are mostly unharmed.” He’s learned what drives his swordsmanship, but at the expense of four lives. Raios is dead, Humbert is without an arm, Tieze and Ronye will never forget what happened today.

He’s disgusting. He’s a disgusting, unforgivable murderer.

A face appears in the ceiling. _“Singular unit detected. ID tracing…”_

“Don’t let Tieze and Ronye hear this.” Kirito covers Ronye’s ears. Eugeo does the same for Tieze.

_“Coordinates fixed. Report complete.”_ The face disappears.

Eugeo shuts his eye. He doesn’t deserve Tieze’s affections. He doesn’t deserve Kirito’s friendship. The second time he’s decided to do something for himself--the first asking Kirito to teach him the sword two years ago--it’s ended up horribly. He should stop making decisions. Nothing good comes out of it. What’s the point of trying to change when all it does it hurt other people?

A hand squeezes his shoulder. “Eugeo, it’s okay. You’re human. You make mistakes and struggle to find their significance, just as I do.”

Eugeo cries, and Tieze wipes away his tears.

 

* * *

 

 

The beds here are like the ones in the trainee dormitory. Kirito sits beside him, trying to form a string of commands that will heal his eye. Neither of them understand the Sacred Arts well enough to execute a request that complex. Kirito still thinks it’s worth a try.

The disciplinary chambers in the administrative building are quiet. 

What he did earlier...what _they_ did earlier, was a crime. A crime in the name of justice. Do the means justify the ends? Is it okay to commit murder, as long as it’s for someone else’s sake?

It doesn’t feel wrong. He doesn’t feel so bad about it anymore. Eugeo wonders if that’s okay.

His emotions are taking time to process. For now, he doesn’t feel anything in particular. His head’s empty.

Maybe now he can say what needs to be said. They’ve broken Taboo anyway. What’s there for him to lose?

Eugeo looks at Kirito, “...Kirito, I have something I want to say to you.”

“Ah? Okay.” Kirito puts his hands down, their glow dissipating. 

If he gets rejected, if Kirito doesn’t want to talk to him after this, if Kirito thinks he’s weird or disgusting or any combination thereof...that’s fine. It’s fine, because Kirito wouldn’t do that to him in the first place. And if he ends up getting rejected, it’ll be a gentle let-down. Kirito wouldn’t hurt him, not on purpose. At least Eugeo hopes so.

Eugeo swallows. He wants to say something, but his mouth just won’t move. It’s funny how things get more difficult to do just before he’s about to do them.

“Eugeo?” Kirito raises his eyebrow. 

“J-just a moment,” Eugeo blushes. He feels like he’s spent a lot of time blushing around Kirito, “I’m um, thinking about what I should say. 

There isn’t really anything complicated to say. He’s just trying to stall for time.

Just say it. It’s not that hard. It really isn’t more than three words at least.

But what if he gets rejected?

He already thought about that! It’s fine! It’s all good if that happens, so he should just say it. Just say it already. Go on.

Go on!

“K-Kirito!” Eugeo isn’t sure why he’s yelling, _“I love you!”_

Kirito raises his hand to his mouth and snorts, “I um, I kinda already knew that, Eugeo.”

What? “U-uh?” Wait, so this entire time, he’s just been waiting around for him to confess? That’s so mean. Kirito is so mean. He should’ve said something. “Since when?”

“Last year, at the Festival of Blessings. Remember when you freaked out about the cream puffs?” Kirito scratches his cheek.

“Ah.” Damn. 

“Yeah.” Kirito drops his hand, curling it in his lap, “To be honest, Eugeo, I like you a lot too. Sometimes I don’t know how to act around you. It’s really troubling.” Kirito continues, “Unfortunately, I can’t...we can’t date. I’m sorry.”

“O-oh no, it’s okay. It’s alright.” Eugeo smiles, “Thank you for telling me.”

“I should be thanking you. It takes a lot to confess, you know?” Kirito laughs, leaning back onto his hands, “I was wondering if you’d get around to it.”

Eugeo pouts, “That’s mean. You know that this entire thing is Taboo, right? Maybe I would’ve never confessed, ever. Then what? You’d be waiting forever. Imagine how I feel, spending all this time thinking about someone who knew the entire time!” He punches Kirito’s shoulder.

“Ow! That was a _hard_ punch!” 

“You deserve it!” Eugeo crosses his arms.

Kirito rubs his shoulder, “I don’t see _why_ , but okay.”

Eugeo turns away from Kirito.

“...hey, Eugeo?”

“What?”

“I’m just putting this out there, but…” Kirito takes a breath, “...why don’t we kiss?”

“Didn’t you just say you can’t return my feelings? Make up your mind.” Eugeo looks at Kirito. This time Kirito is looking away.

“I know what I said. Just...this one time is fine.” Kirito’s ears are red.

“Just this once?” Eugeo reaches out and puts his hand over Kirito’s, “And never again?”

Kirito meets Eugeo’s eyes, “No, never again.”

“Then we should make it count.” Eugeo laughs, “This is going to be a weird question, but, am I dreaming right now?”

“You aren’t, but it would be convenient if you were. Then you wouldn’t be in a disciplinary cell with me.” Kirito faces his body towards Eugeo.

“Rather be anywhere with you than anywhere without.” Eugeo winks.

“Smooth. Who’d you learn that from?”

“You,” Eugeo sits closer, “like many other things.”

“You’re awfully close, Eugeo.” Kirito leans in. 

“Is that a problem?” Eugeo tilts his head.

“Not at all.” Kirito closes his eyes. 

They kiss. It’s sweet.  
 

**Author's Note:**

> catch me @loveandfever on twitter if you wanna talk yujikiri ^9^


End file.
